What's with Europe?

European people have some pretty crazy stuff.

For instance, this lighter/bottle opener.

Now you can indulge both of your bad habits at once!

Some guy bike-locked his chair to a bike rack.

A stationary chair is a very inefficient means of transportation.

They have innuendo-laden Engrish.

...mmm

In Pompeii, the lava aparently caused plant mutations, like this gigantic lemon.

The Euro 50 cent piece is for size reference.

But of all the weird things in Europe this post, this takes the cake:

These odd Pinnochio dancing wall ornaments will "dance" when you pull the string...


...like so:


This one must have gotten drunk and danced a bit too hard.

Among the odd Pinnochio ornaments, he's probably the loser that comes to parties to which he's not invited, gets piss-drunk and makes an ass of himself.

...Unlike PD, the guy who gets invited to every party; when he leaves, everyone goes "Man, that guy is so damned awesome!"

(not photoshopped; straight out of the camera and into your eyeballs)

Comments

I'm just going to cut right to the chase on this one.

Leave comments, people! Without comments, awesome blogs shrivel up and die, like raisins, only raisins are generally dead even before they shrivel. Have you ever seen a talking grape? I didn't think so. And that's why you should comment.

I've even added this nifty Cbox thing in the sidebar for you lazy people (like me) that don't like leaving traditional, crunchy, crunchy comments.

For those of you who are regular readers and comment your figurative asses off, hats off to you, good sirs and madams. Here's a treat for those of you that want to share Chasing Ducks with the world:

Chasing Ducks banners!

If you can't figure out how to put it on your page and make it a link without my help, you don't deserve to have it.

Ok, fine! I'll give you lazy n00bs the code:
<a href="http://www.chasingducks.com/"><img src="http://bp2.blogger.com/_0GuTEihg448/RyazNRQNnBI/AAAAAAAABXY/hFQqLTtsq4A/s400/cd_banner1.jpg" alt="Chasing Ducks: A study in ridiculosity." border="0"></a>

This produces the banner with the duck head. For the other, replace "http://bp2.blogger.com/_0GuTEihg448/RyazNRQNnBI/AAAAAAAABXY/hFQqLTtsq4A/s400/cd_banner1.jpg" with "http://bp2.blogger.com/_0GuTEihg448/RyazNRQNnCI/AAAAAAAABXg/LylRJ4gCwzw/s400/cd_banner2.jpg".

Enjoy, you lazy, non-commenting, HTML-ignorant failures. Enjoy.

Lawmakers, Nazis and Never-Ending Pits

Although I hate explaining allusions, because you're supposed to know them, most people looked at this one and didn't understand.

Hammurabi is famous for his laws which consisted of a "eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth" method.

In this picture, Hammurabi is wearing an eye patch and missing a tooth, he therefore, decides there need to be laws concerning if someone stabs your eye and knocks out your tooth, then you are just in stabbing their eye and knocking out their tooth.

For all you people who understood this note card when they saw it and just read through that, I apologize for the pain. Now to the fun part:

Speaking of Law, I've recently been trying to write under the strict dictatorship of PD:

He often refers to himself as "The Grammar Nazi."

When I come to school in the morning, I often ask, "Hey dude, did you like my post last night?"

He'll often reply, "I'm going to burn you, Jake! You made so many grammatical errors, I nearly devised plans to eliminate a race from this planet!"

He'll usually throw in something about how he doesn't want the blog to look like it's written by high schoolers and that I need to do better.

And then I'll say, "...ok, sorry, but was it funny?"

"Nein!" He screams. And then he draws his sword.

(I really hate to over-use jokes...but I couldn't resist.)

"THIS IS CHASING DUCKS!" PD screams and then kicks me into Randolph's random never-ending pit.

Grammar Nazi's will kill you. When leaving a comment on this post, make sure you don't forget an apostrophe or something, PD might destroy you.

Special Thanks

I don't think PD or I have ever properly credited a very useful helper to the blog.



Aside from not wanting to get sued, I think Google (especially Google Images) deserves some credit on chasingducks. Without this ridiculously useful search engine, I would've never been able to find a picture of Kanye West to photoshop a big "Blamed" across his face. Nor would PD have ever been able to get a picture of Samuel L. Jackson's face to replace with his Dad's face.


It's obvious that Google could easily rule the internet, so it's good to show it some appreciation every now and then. Please clap your hands now.


Way to go guys. And please don't sue us...not saying you actually care about us enough to sue us.

Do you think Google reads the blog?

-Unnamed to protect intelligence

Oops. You Dropped a Star There, Buddy.

During the Europe trip this summer, we stayed at various hotels, including this one, the Park Hotel Villamaria.


Apparently, it was a four-star hotel at some point.

For some reason, they lost a star.

I spent my time at that hotel trying to find a reason why they'd lose a star. These are the worst things I could find:

Their breakfast butter is made of donkeys.

For gringos, burro is donkey in Spanish.

The paintings on their walls feature paedophilia.


When Dane went to check his email on their computer, he was bombarded with ads.


Weird ads.


They order the special kind of National Geographic:


...the kind with a list of requirements for the Mile High Club.

And here I thought all you had to do was have sex in a plane.

Well, the hotel did have some pretty weird stuff, but nothing worth revoking a star.

Who does the rating, anyway?

Whoever they are, they're probably the type of people who would rent meatwagons.

Riding Trojan Horses

It's unfortunate that I have to resort to death of a young child for the purpose of humor.

Perhaps it would be good to have a moment of silence for Hupert.

Europeans and their Pinuses

Don't freak out just yet. This is about pinuses.

While on vacation in Europe, on the way back to our hotel in France, I saw this sign that indicated that I would encounter the "NORD PINUS" on the way back.


I could tell I was getting close.


Then I saw it, the Pinus in all its glory.


Then... what? More Pinuses?




The gift shops were packed with monuments to the almighty Pinus.


French people must hold their Pinuses in high regard.


...And their balls, too, but that's another story for another time.


Bu wait! It's not just the French.

Well, I suppose this counts as a penis.


But there's quite a substantial Pinus right in the middle of the Vatican.


And let's not forget the most famous (and crooked) Italian Pinus of all time:



Straight out of Pisa: the Leaning Tower.

Disclaimer: I don't know what the word "pinus" means, but it was a perfect opportunity to post both my sign pictures and my pictures of the curious abundance of European phallic symbols.

Pointing Fingers...Again

Kanye West should become a politician. With a brilliantly thought out speech that connects irrelevant things and involves catchy phrases like "George Bush is racist," he's sure to beat Hillary and John Edwards. Sorry, John.

Whenever anything bad happens, the first amendment allows us to blame the president.

But why blame Bush? He's already got a laundry list of things people blame him for.

1. 9/11
   
   
   
2. The War
   
   
   
3. Illegal Immigrants
   
   
   
4. The Education of Children
   
   
   
5. And not being able to legally marry another man.
   
   

Perhaps we should blame hurricane Katrina on someone else.

Babies? Satan? Terri Schiavo? No, we've already picked on them enough.

I say we blame this on Kanye West.

Yeah, that's right Kanye, you just got BLAMED!

Parachute

Well that sucks.

Industrial Vibrators

Pretty kinky!


You can find anything in the phone book.

And while we're on the subject: HoldingMyArmsOut.com

Up and Down the Produce Aisle

Controversial: Yes.

True: Dare I say it?

The only people that talk in a vegetative state are these guys right here:

Technically, Bob is a fruit. So he can live. But only if he moves to California.

I want to live!
-Larry the Cucumber

I Heart Russians

Way back in 8th grade, the year that everything happened, PD and I made a radio show that was never broadcast on the radio. Two of the characters were Russians, and one of them had undergone horrible brain damage due to being around too much nuclear waste.

Obviously this isn't funny to you. But it brings back good memories for PD and me, and it's our blog...so you're just going to have to deal with that.

Plus, my English teacher used this one as a bookmark.

*

Ever notice that Russians always make the coolest characters in movies?

1

Lev Andropov, Russian Cosmonaut - Played by Peter Stormare - Armageddon

You Americans with your stupid technology and computers! We do this the Russian way!

2

Captain Marco Ramius - Played by the Sean Connery - The Hunt for Red October

We will pass through the American patrols, past their sonar nets, and lay off their largest city, and listen to their rock and roll... while we conduct missile drills.

3

Franstallenoskavitch Devidavinsky - Played by Missi Pyle - Dodgeball

I am in extreme state of arousal. Please to make sex all over my face.

-

I'm telling you: Russians make the best characters ever. Period.

The Commutative Property in Action

I don't buy cheap, one-ply, store-brand toilet paper. I buy the nice stuff. I want to feel like I'm wiping my anus with delicate rose petals.

(You should be thankful that this is what I took a picture of.)

I get Cottonelle Ultra Double. The "Double" is supposed to mean that it can suck up twice as much crap by surface area as "the leading Ultra brand", or twice as much pink KoolAid if the commercials are to be taken in earnest. (On closer inspection, it's actually the number of sheets that's doubled.)

Have I done enough product placement, you think?

Anyway, they've included this handy reference guide so that liberal arts majors, government employees and creationists can easily convert from double rolls to single rolls without the help of a scientific calculator.

Even though they didn't show their work, I think we can believe them when they say that one double roll is equal to two single rolls. 1 x 2 = 2 x 1.

They further extrapolate this by proposing that one triple roll is, in fact, equal to three single rolls.



Oh, now you're just showing off!

Horizontally Challenged Public Transportation Vehicle

Disclaimer: I'm not making fun of retarded people.

I'm HAVING fun with retarded people.

You guys rock!

Blown Off

PD and I were definitely supposed to hang out tonight.

But he's not picking up his phone.

He must be with one of those "female-types."



"Take that PD!"




That's my angry face. With glasses.

I guess I'll spend my Saturday night all by my lonesome self. And this balled up chicken.

That's my sad face. With a balled up chicken.



Sorry for wasting your time, reader. Especially you, John Edwards...I know you're busy trying to win the election.

That's his "Vote for me" pose.

I told you I took a picture of you in New Orleans!

Selena's?

.

Who wouldn't do anything for a female spanish rockstar?

.

.

This bumper is from the bus of Selena's!

(Quotes from 1997 Film "Selena.")

.

Until next time, remember to approach people who might be taking advantage of your finances with caution!

Blame it on the Baby

Sometimes screaming "Balls, These are Balls!" just doesn't do it for you.

A great way to relieve stress is to blame all your misfortunes on someone else: why not babies?

They don't know any better, and they're so fat and loved: unlike you!

So next time you're just overwhelmed: blame it on the baby! Scream their names out in anger. You'll feel much better. I gaurentee it.

The Scarlet Adaption

If you've seen the movie and read the book "The Scarlett Letter," you know what he's talking about.

Don't believe me? Just look at the difference between the book's cover and the movie's cover!

Hester Prynne (the one in the low-cut shirt) and Dimmesdale look very intimate: wouldn't you say?

Oh, Nathaniel Hawthorne would turn in his grave...and like it...a lot.

Two Worlds Collide

It won't be a pretty collision.

And You Thought Hell Would Be Healthy

If this makes no sense to you, you're obviously not familiar with the contemporary christian song "Breakfast" by Newsboys.

You might find my depiction of Satan a little different from most. Good. I've always thought of Satan more as a once handsome man who has gained a couple pounds and seldom shaves or grooms himself. He's usually apathetic, disappointed and just uninterested: being the epitome of evil gets awful tiring and after thousands of years...just plain annoying.

I would say show the guy some pity, but then again...he still is the epitome of evil.

Until next time remember: You'll only get two meals in Hell.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot: I sincerely apologize about that horrible pun I used in my title.

Incapable of Sin

"But this belt sure is snazzy!"

^

You probably didn't know that most public speakers keep slaves behind their podium for various reasons which will not be written.

Too Much Receipt!

Hey, kiddos, it's that time again: time for PD to go on an angry tirade about something totally insignificant that makes him angry.

I went to Walgreens today, to buy a poster board for an upcoming English project.

Just a poster board.

Here's the receipt for the poster board, broken into sections:

First, they draw a picture of their logo and print out their slogan. The clerk, Shanell, expresses her creepy sense of servitude. Then a random string of numbers.

Wait, I thought Shanell would be catering to my every whim,...

...not Lisa. More numbers.

Then the actual product I bought and its price. Note that they abbreviate "poster board", presumably to save ink.

They show their work for the sales tax and tell me my total. They restate the total next to the word MasterCard, in case I didn't know how much of the total I was paying with my card. They inform me of my account number, then tell me how much change I'll get... from my card.

More garbage:

Thank you. For faster service, print me a smaller receipt.

I don't need this monstrosity for an eighty-cent poster board.

The receipt probably cost more than the profit from the poster.

Well, enough ranting. I have an English poster to make.

Whenever Something Bad Happens...

Next time your friend is having a rough day and you have to sit through a monotonous story of how sucky their life is; and then they look at you and expect you to encourage them in some way: say this.

This quote originated back in 8th grade (the year everything originated from). PD and I came up with it somehow and have used it off and on ever since.

Yes, Hidalgo was that horse in that pretty cool horse racing movie with Aragorn from Lord of the Rings.

Until next time, remember: "The locusts are not a curse...but a blessing!"

Bike Lane

In Europe, unlike Texas, there are different modes of transportation. While some drive small cars, others choose to ride the metro train or a bicycle.

Bicycles are given their own lane, denoted with a picture of a bike.


At first I felt so original doing this...


...but apparently this joke isn't new.



Quote of the Day

PD, why are you laying down in the middle of the street?
-Ryan